I know the summer travel season is nearing an end, but with Labor Day Weekend looming, here’s a small tip to those who may be thinking of hitting the road… If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go, because, man, they’re gone. — Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I hear Monday is supposed to mark the final launch of the space shuttle Endeavour. Here’s a small bit of advice to mark the occasion… Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up. — Deep Thoughts by Jack

For any of you who may be less than enamored with the idea of all those cute little trick-or-treaters knocking on your door this evening… I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away. — Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey Happy Halloween!

This one hits a little close to home, but since we are in the thick of football season… I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I?” “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really on the

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny. — Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Seems it’s that time again. In honor of all those students headed back to school… Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers? — Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Keeping with the theme of summer vacations (and with the economic recession in mind), here’s an idea for those of you considering taking the kids to Disneyland this year… One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an

Anyone else doing any traveling this summer? Don’t miss your chance to make some of those lasting family memories… The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car—I forget what kind it was—and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. — Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. — Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey